How to Write a #1 Radio Hit
Once again I apologize for taking a while in between posts, but this has quite possibly been the worst week of my life. I've been hit from all sides with some pretty devastating life changing events, so I've just been trying to deal with that stuff. Anyways, I figured it was time for some humor, it helps keep my mind off of things.Now, being a fan and advocate of hip hop music, I'm doing this against my own best interests. However, after examining some of the songs that I've heard on the radio or have listened to at home, I am mystified by how some of these artists are even able to get these tracks recorded. I've come to a conclusion that the hip hop industry has some of the most undereducated personnel in the world. Take a look at some of these gems, many of them from successful albums or singles. If this is the barometer, I think I've found my true calling.
"She wants to be a lawyer, in other words shorty studies law" - Mr. Cheeks: Way to go Mr. Cheeks, you're breaking some new ground with this realization. This line reminds me of the wife of one of my baseball teammates. She thinks that everyone she talks to is the dumbest person in the world and will therefore proceed to explain to you the siginificance of everything she says, i.e: "Our car is at the shop. So, it's there because it's broken and we don't have a car now." Thanks, you and Mr. Cheeks would get along nicely.
"You ain't Russian so why you rushing?": This one is from our good friend Nelly... more from him shortly. Getting back to the issue at hand, I'm not sure how being Russian would automatically imply that you would be rushing around everywhere, and more importantly I'm not really sure how this assumption would be present in the head of Nelly. Also from the St. Lunatic himself, "Is that your ass or did your momma have a reindeer?" Once again, where does this association come into play? I'm not sure how a fully grown and functional man can mistake someone's ass for a reindeer or vice-versa, and I also don't understand where the person-in-question's mother comes into play either.
"I bang cock in Bangkok" - Ludacris: Luda, what you do in your spare time is your business and yours alone, but thanks for the update. Are you saying that we'll see you at the next rainbow parade?
"I got a way with words, I use words in ways" - Jin: You use words in ways? Good for you Jin, that puts you on equal footing with every single human on the planet that has the ability to speak or write. Congratulations on this momentous accomplishment!
"If money was height, you'd be a midget" - Nore: Believe it or not, Nore did not graduate with a doctorate, master's, or even a bachelor's degree in Philosophy. The use of the metaphor and the simile in hip hop is a common and effective practice, but only when done intelligently (read: when it makes some damn sense). I think the words "I'm richer than you" would have been more effective in this case. Also from Nore is this lyrical masterpiece, which reads "I drink Hennessey straight, with tomato juice." OK, so let me get this straight... You drink Hennessey... and you drink it straight... with tomato juice. What the hell? did I miss something? I could have sworn that drinking something straight meant that you drank it by itself and not with something else such as tomato juice.
"I like them Chinese, Japanese, or even Asian" - Chingy: I'm not sure where Chingy went to elementary, junior high, or high school, but it must be in some parallel universe where Chinese and Japanese born people are not of ASIAN DESCENT. I mean, if he was that desperate for that line to rhyme, he could have just used two different ethnicities and still used the word "Asian". You'd think these guys might have producers or proofreaders that would catch this type of thing.
Lastly, but certainly not least, one Dr. Dre claims, I get so much ass they call me an astronaut." I'm not sure how having a lot of sex qualifies the good Doctor to add the accomplisment of being an astronaut to his surely long list of achievements. Given these criteria, I suppose we could also call him an astrologer and and assistant manager.
posted by Chesterfield McFisticuffs III @ 10:06 p.m.
20 Comments:
well let me go through some spiritual vibe lines and see what i can find. HHAHAHAHAHAHA dont worry im joking.
funny stuff. see you when i come upstairs.
How about that Nelly/Tim Mcgraw video. Did no one notice that by leaving out any pictures of women, the director made it look as though Nelly, and Mr. Faith Hill were singing to each another. " 'cause it's all in my head... I think about it over and over again, I replay it... picturing you with him and it hurts so bad, yeah". Funny, those words kind of express how I felt after seeing that video...
I like Bananas
and mangos are sweet.
c pitty
re: Chinese, Japanese or even Asian
I've been noticing that North Americans use "Asian" to refer to Chinese/Japanese people, whereas Europeans use it to refer to Middle Eastern people. For instance, PJ (from British-colonized Zimbabwe) will refer to Indians as Asian, whereas I would not. He said he wouldn't use it to refer to Chinese or Japanese people. So, maybe that's a theory.
Frontline had a huge episode about the retardedness of the music industry, which you can watch online here. Pretty interesting, and explains a lot of why stuff on the radio sucks.
trish,
i'm not so big into music videos, so i never noticed that. i'll watch out for it. the only real exposure to videos that i get is on ed the sock's fromage special at the end of each year.
Heather Ann (dash or no dash??),
That's a real interesting concept, and I really never considered or thought about it like that.
However, I doubt that Chingy is really intelligent enough to understand that concept, let alone even think about it when he put that song together. I should reference some of his other songs to further illustrate how stupid he really is.
Kyle
Good old hip-hop, ever the endless supply of humour. Summer would most definately be more interesting with you working at the park...baha. Check out their website, maybe they'te still hiring. We finished season 1 of 24, now onto season 2...I gotta do it in order. By the way who the hell is this anson person?
Did someone say Anson? I love him, whoever he is. Anyway, I can't stand rap/hip-hop in general. I guess I'm just not hip, but a telephone ringing sound in a song (Usher) is annoying, not cool, no matter what anyone says.
Hey Kyle-
Way to let those rappers know who's on top of things.. Good to see your crazy week has left your sense of humor intact, hope you have a better one next week.
-Steph
ps: I was definitely giggling through the entire post.
i like it
hey kyle i was definitly giggling during the entire post.
P.s- Im a retard.
pittman, it's conlon... nevermind that man... let's examine Emo lyrics.
"i'm awake in you and you're asleep in me"... sung by the lead singer of something corporate who just happens to by a guy. how is that statement even possibly anatomically correct?
or
"please just kill the drama, go to sleep we'll talk tomorrow"...
okay.. the real world doesn't work that way, no one can just sleep on their problems... there's stuff that time just does work through.
anyways, keep it real man
-conlon
Frig conlin...
I don't even know you. Something Corporate's lyrics are not meant to be taken in a physical manner. It's all about emotion. They are in eachother's mind in both sleeping and waking hours. duh
okay mike, here's where i think you're dead wrong. and i will be forced to demonstrate...
i can hear ticking clocks,
running rampant in me,
chiming in apogee
waiting for the cynergy
of her and me waiting on the light
and i never say goodnight
never say that i'm always right
now in you girl
i'm consent to drown
you're so high and i'm so down
this night'll end sooner but much sooner now
i'm awake in you and you're asleep in me
all the things i'll never be
make me wonder could you see
and i said
wait, till i hit the ground harder
wish i could wait, to i could hear your heartbeat fast
wish i could wait till i missed her flavour
my days are numbered here
and i don't want to be the last one home
don't want to be the last one home
though i'm weak inside
i'm thriving just the same
still calling out your name
wondering who it is that i should blame
stabbing hard and burried
conciousness and fear
forgetting others i hold dear
wontcha maybe could you hear
and i said to
wait, till i hit the ground harder
wish i could wait, to hear your heartbeat fast
wish i could wait till i missed her flavour
my days are numbered here
and i don't want to be the last one home
no no no
the last one home
(oh here we go...)
there you are baby
just waiting on the sun
just staring at the sky
said when will he be done
and i said there you are baby
waiting on the sun
staring at the sky
said when will he be done
when will he be done
and i wish i could wait, till i see you shaking
wish i could wait to pull out of this one fast
wish i could wait till i taste your flavour
and maybe i can savour every last drop
and i said
wait, till i hit the ground harder
wish i could wait, to hear to hear your heartbeat fast
i wish i could wait to see you shaking
my days are numbered here
and i don't want to be the last one home
the last one home
the last one home...
now this is the song "wait" by something corporate, the song which you told me was solely about emotion.
exhibit A)..
i can hear ticking clocks,
running rampant in me,
chiming in apogee
waiting for the cynergy
of her and me.
ticking clocks = him waiting for sex
cynergy = The interaction of two or more agents or forces so that their combined effect is greater than the sum of their individual effects. ( as listed on dictionary.com)... the combined product of sex is a child, greater than the sum of its parts.
exhibit B)
now in you girl
i'm conTent to drown
you're so high and i'm so down
this night'll end sooner but much sooner now..
content to drown = interior lining of vaginal canal covered in self lubrication, a combination of sweat and other secretion.. PART of him will be drowning..
1. you're so high and i'm so down
this night'll end sooner but much sooner now.
... so she's on top, and this position makes him reach climax much faster, but he knows he's a minute man to start with, so it's going to end soon but once she jumps on top... even faster.
Exhibit C)
wait, till i hit the ground harder
wish i could wait, to i could hear your heartbeat fast
wish i could wait till i missed her flavour
my days are numbered here
and i don't want to be the last one home...
hit the ground harder = get deeper into the sex
heartbeat fast = you better understand this on your own
my days are numbered here = he's going to climax
don't want to be the last one home... he doesn't wanna be the last to orgasm.
Exhibit D)
stabbing hard and burried
conciousness and fear
... this is in reference to how it feels during sex, like all of your insecurities and fears are gone, because you just don't care, you're sharing something amazing with someone, none of the rest of it matters.
Exhibit E)
there you are baby
just waiting on the sun
just staring at the sky
said when will he be done
-- she's clearly not having fun during this sex, which could easily be denoted by his lack of longevity, combined with his fears, and his selfishness in not wanting to be the one who doesn't get to climax.
essentially mike, i believe this is a song about how bad he is in bed, turned into a love song. A very interesting, analogy filled with incredible images, but kind of funny when you think of it
-eric
Why the hell would you spend so much time explaining why an emo song has stupid lyrics? I'm not going to argue because I honestly don't have the time to put together a graduate level thesis. About one percent of bands in the world actually have genius lyrics. In this case, those Something Corporate lyrics are 100% better than the rap crap that was presented by Kyle.
ps: Something Corporate is my favourite band
p.p.s. something corporate is one of my top 5 favorites... lol... i wasn't saying it was stupid... just anatomically impossible... i freaking love their lyrics...
"You don't do it on purpose
But you make me shake
Now I count the hours 'til you wake
With your babies breath
Breathe symphonies
Come on sweet catastrophe"
-one of my favorite lines of all time. they've gotten me through a lot of rough times, incredible band live too.
haha, somehow i think we're arguing on the same side here... lol, and going into lyrics is what i do man.
-eric
Ya don't worry I'm not being seriously perturbed or anything.
money
eric conlon is a big nerd. dont ever post on here again.
What a waste of space. Chesterfield's hip hop "comedy" isn't funny. Making repetitive jokes about someone's education level isn't funny. It's the same joke recycled again and again, and it wasn't funny the first time! And Eric Conlon's analysis of lyrics is pseudo-intellectual drivel. Go take a few more English courses before making any more simplistic "analysis". Worst blog ever.
Thanks for your contribution, Anonymous. Guess what? No one gives a damn what you have to say because you can't even put your money where your mouth is by leaving a name. Loser.
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