The Chesterfield McFisticuffs Blog

A Pirate's Life for Me

Have you ever wanted to be a pirate? Ever wanted to sail the seven seas in search of hidden treasure? Do you have a strange attraction to parrots? If you would answer any of the above questions with a "yes", then you may just be in luck.

Most of you will remember the very successful "Pirates of the Carribean" movie that came out a year or two ago, and starred Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, and (most importantly) Keira Knightley. Well, apparently, not only is the sequel to that movie in the final stages of filming, but Part 3 is beginning filming as we speak, and avast ye swabs, they're looking for pirates! Sande Alessi Casting, which has done casting for several "blockbuster" movies such as Still 'Bout It, In My Life, and They Call Him Sasquatch is taking care of casting for a few scenes in this new Pirates of the Carribean movie.

Firstly, this casting company's résumé isn't exactly stellar, by any stretch of the imagination. Would everybody who was seen, or even heard of, "They Call Him Sasquatch", please raise their hands? That being said, it didn't take long to figure out what is holding this company back from bigger and better things. Take the following excerpt from their casting website, in which they are advertising for an open casting call for extras to play pirates:

Pirates:
Extreme characters and hideously unattractive types, ages 18-50. Odd body shapes or very lean to extremely skinny. Missing teeth, wandering eyes and serial killer looks with real long hair & beards. Wigs & makeup are not what we're looking for. We also need little people, very large sumo wrestler types, extremely tall or extremely short people, albinos, amputees. Any size or shape that is NOT average is best. All ethnicities. Mostly men, very few women.

The person who writes their casting ads should be shot point blank. He/she has probably alienated just about every person who has read the ad. Can you imagine what it would be like for a person who has OCD about their appearance or a person who has low self-confidence to read an ad like this and then have to look in a mirror? Essentially, the message that's being conveyed in this ad is, if you're anything but the average human being, you're ugly enough to be a pirate! I think my favorite part of the casting call is where they say they have a need for people with wandering eyes and serial killer looks. People with those kinds of attributes are normally found in insane asylums and jails and not on our city's streets.

Another quality line is "we need little people, very large sumo wrestler types, extremely tall or extremely short people". Talk about being all over the map. We're going from wanting very little people, to wanting ENORMOUS people (i.e. sumo wrestlers, who by the way are probably too busy sumo wrestling in ASIA to be an extra in a movie about pirates), and then wanting people who are either small or tall. Speaking of ASIA, the ad writer manages to alienate an entire continent with the following:

Asian Men & Women:
We need tons of Asian people of all ages and types to play Townspeople, Shopkeepers, Prostitutes, Pirates etc. All shapes, sizes and ages over 18.

Is this the '50's? Are we still in a world where we segregate races? I'm sure it wasn't meant to be offensive, but I can just hear the casting director saying, "Sorry, you're not good enough to be a pirate, but since you're Asian we can offer you the role of Prostitute #5". At least they aren't being as picky about physical attributes and offering it to all shapes and sizes of Asian. For goodness' sake it sounds like they're trying to sell you a car or a boat. We've got 'em in all shapes and sizes, for any of your diverse needs.

So, if you're someone who's desperate to be in showbiz, I think you can probably make it in to this movie if you just get someone to whack you in the face a few times with a shovel and you'll be all set for Pirates of the Carribean 3: The Sea of Ugliness.

posted by Chesterfield McFisticuffs III @ 4:59 p.m.