PART 2: 12 Friends Every Guy Should Have
Finally, Part 2 has arrived. Once again, don't take anything you are reading too seriously, especially if it's about you. The descriptions are general and aren't meant to be specific to your relationship with me in any way. If you didn't make it into the list, you probably shouldn't take it personally, unless there is a reason you think you've been "neglected". In that case, you should take it at least slightly personally.I hope you guys enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed putting it together. Enjoy!
A bachelor to the nth degree, the single guy lives life by his rules and has the stories (and tattoos) to prove it. Uncompromising in every way, he reports to no one and is always first in line for a raucous boys' night out.
Why he's an asset: Whenever you need a 10th guy for basketball or someone to kick the party into high gear, you can be certain the single guy isn't out having cucumber sandwiches with the in-laws. He prevents you from getting into impossibly complicated relationships and reminds you of the sweet taste of freedom. He's up for anything, including dozens of activities currently prohibited by state and federal laws.
Generally a small town boy from an all-white school who has been thrust into the big city, the innocent friend is perpetually being "broken in" to the real world. Every week brings a new "first" for this friend, from his first time in a club, to his first interracial relationship, to his first time seeing a prostitute on a street corner. Eventually, this person runs out of firsts to experience and inevitably becomes the "corrupted friend".
Why he's an asset: The innocent friend is always good for a laugh as his reactions to his various firsts are priceless. Your social awkwardness level diminishes substantially due to the fact that at any time you can kickstart a conversation by saying, "Remember when ______ heard/saw/did/experienced that for the first time?".
Possessing an Honors Degree in Chemistry and Rocket Science, the Prankster may be 23 years old, but is a full grown man in appearance only. He is young at heart and won't hesitate to throw a whoopee cushion under any unsuspecting rear end in sight. He will do anything to anyone just to get a friendly laugh at their expense and to make sure that there is a story to tell for years to come.
Why he's an asset: The Prankster is always up for a good time and is ready for any situation. If there is a chair that needs to be pulled out from underneath someone, he is there. If there is a car that needs to be buried in snow, he is first in line with a shovel. If your buddy's car needs its tires, radio, and driver's seat stolen, never fear, because he has a 450 piece toolkit in the back of his truck.
Despite being your age, he already has 2.3 children, a lofty mortgage, and a wife. You rarely see him, as activities such as "picking out a new bath mat" and "wallpapering the dining room" have become bigger priorities than hanging out with the guys. Although he'll never admit it, you're reasonably certain she has his testicles locked away in her purse.
Why he's an asset: Above all else, he reminds you of the intrinsic value of staying single. One look at his weary face and stooped shoulders are enough to make you never want to commit again. As an added bonus, he can also tell you which couches offer the best night's sleep.
She's your tour guide into the freakish inner workings of the female mind, an invaluable spy in the battle of the sexes who has been to the other side and back. She is your female confidante and has enough dirt on you to soil your reputation beyond repair. She may be a cousin, a former lover or a childhood friend (or all three if you live in Oshawa).
Why she's an asset:
Her jump shot is dreadful and she throws like a girl, but she makes up for it by helping you to buy clothes and interpreting your love interest's psycho rants. Her brutally honest advice might even help you get a date, if you're lucky. As if that weren't enough, she also helps your image by being your sympathy date for big events when other women are too busy "washing their hair."
The Emo Friend always deals in extremes. He is always extremely happy, extremely down, or extremely stoned. He loves music and has mood music for every single life situation that could possibly happen in your existence. He is extremely emotional and it wouldn't surprise you to hear him begin communicating exclusively through the use of ballads.
Why he's an asset: You always feel like its ok to cry about something when you're having a deep conversation, because chances are that he's already been crying for a half hour. No matter how emotional you get, he is always more emotional. Also, girls dig sensitive guys, 'nuff said.
posted by Chesterfield McFisticuffs III @ 9:20 p.m.
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