A Pirate's Life for Me
Have you ever wanted to be a pirate? Ever wanted to sail the seven seas in search of hidden treasure? Do you have a strange attraction to parrots? If you would answer any of the above questions with a "yes", then you may just be in luck.
Most of you will remember the very successful "Pirates of the Carribean" movie that came out a year or two ago, and starred Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, and (most importantly) Keira Knightley. Well, apparently, not only is the sequel to that movie in the final stages of filming, but Part 3 is beginning filming as we speak, and avast ye swabs, they're looking for pirates!
Sande Alessi Casting, which has done casting for several "blockbuster" movies such as
Still 'Bout It,
In My Life, and
They Call Him Sasquatch is taking care of casting for a few scenes in this new Pirates of the Carribean movie.
Firstly, this casting company's résumé isn't exactly stellar, by any stretch of the imagination. Would everybody who was seen, or even heard of, "They Call Him Sasquatch", please raise their hands? That being said, it didn't take long to figure out what is holding this company back from bigger and better things. Take the following excerpt from their casting website, in which they are advertising for an open casting call for extras to play pirates:
Pirates:
Extreme characters and hideously unattractive types, ages 18-50. Odd body shapes or very lean to extremely skinny. Missing teeth, wandering eyes and serial killer looks with real long hair & beards. Wigs & makeup are not what we're looking for. We also need little people, very large sumo wrestler types, extremely tall or extremely short people, albinos, amputees. Any size or shape that is NOT average is best. All ethnicities. Mostly men, very few women.
The person who writes their casting ads should be shot point blank. He/she has probably alienated just about every person who has read the ad. Can you imagine what it would be like for a person who has OCD about their appearance or a person who has low self-confidence to read an ad like this and then have to look in a mirror? Essentially, the message that's being conveyed in this ad is, if you're anything but the average human being, you're ugly enough to be a pirate! I think my favorite part of the casting call is where they say they have a need for people with wandering eyes and serial killer looks. People with those kinds of attributes are normally found in insane asylums and jails and not on our city's streets.
Another quality line is "we need little people, very large sumo wrestler types, extremely tall or extremely short people". Talk about being all over the map. We're going from wanting very little people, to wanting ENORMOUS people (i.e. sumo wrestlers, who by the way are probably too busy sumo wrestling in ASIA to be an extra in a movie about pirates), and then wanting people who are either small or tall. Speaking of ASIA, the ad writer manages to alienate an entire continent with the following:
Asian Men & Women:
We need tons of Asian people of all ages and types to play Townspeople, Shopkeepers, Prostitutes, Pirates etc. All shapes, sizes and ages over 18.
Is this the '50's? Are we still in a world where we segregate races? I'm sure it wasn't meant to be offensive, but I can just hear the casting director saying, "Sorry, you're not good enough to be a pirate, but since you're Asian we can offer you the role of Prostitute #5". At least they aren't being as picky about physical attributes and offering it to all shapes and sizes of Asian. For goodness' sake it sounds like they're trying to sell you a car or a boat. We've got 'em in all shapes and sizes, for any of your diverse needs.
So, if you're someone who's desperate to be in showbiz, I think you can probably make it in to this movie if you just get someone to whack you in the face a few times with a shovel and you'll be all set for
Pirates of the Carribean 3: The Sea of Ugliness.
The Tow Truck Chronicles
Last week the inevitable finally occurred to my 1993 Ford Escort, the key would not turn in the ignition and therefore the car refused to start. As I was forced to deal with this sudden misfortune, I decided to call CAA to come and try to start it for me. Being an atypical male and knowing absolutely NOTHING about cars, I figured (and hoped) that whomever CAA decided to send over would be able to start the car for me. Considering that this same event had occurred about 5 months ago with me being able to start my car after 45 minutes of cursing, grunting, and punching the ignition and steering wheel, I figured that the prognosis was a good one, since I had a more experienced person around to handle my situation. However, as it always does, it turned out a lot worse than I had hoped for.
After calling CAA, myself and Adam Trinder (who works at the same place as I do), played catch on the road in front of the apartment until CAA's designated tow truck driver arrived within their window of "45 minutes or less". One thing I have learned over the years is that people seldom arrive when they say they will arrive, and when put in a situation that you actually need them to be there, they are even more tardy than usual. This day was no different. After 55 minutes, my cell phone rang to the news that the Tow Truck Driver would arrive in approximately 30 minutes. Now I don't know whether or not CAA employs a mathemetician, but last time I checked, 45 minutes or less subtracted by 55 minutes of waiting time does not equal 30 minutes left until the Tow Truck arrives.
Finally, the driver arrived and took a look at my car. The man that stepped out of that truck looked like a cross between Hulk Hogan, Billy Ray Cyrus, and the Trailer Park Boys. With his neatly coiffed mullet tied back into a pony tail, his arms hanging out of a sleeveless T-Shirt that looked like he had removed said sleeves with a butter knife, and unkempt facial hair, he promptly informed me that he doesn't know anything about cars (Does CAA even interview these guys??) and that he would be happy to tow me to wherever I needed to go. That would have been an acceptable solution if it weren't for the fact that my mechanic is located in Etobicoke, and my car was in North York. Unfortunately I am not the proprietor of a CAA PLUS membership which gives the holder a free tow up to 50 kilometers. No, my limited CAA membership gave me a whole 5 kilometers to tow my car. Thanks CAA, why don't you just move my car to the end of the street and then I'll figure everything out from there.
Obviously, I didn't get the car moved. When I called my boss to inform him that I would be coming in late, he volunteered his CAA PLUS membership to get my car towed back to Etobicoke. Since he had to be there in person for his card to be used, he drove out to North York to do so. The driver that arrived on scene was none other than my mullet-sporting, sleeveless friend from 2 hours previous. He hooked my car up, and then we proceeded on the trip back to Etobicoke, which unfortunately required me to ride shotgun with the aforementioned mullet man.
Now, for those of you who don't know me, I hate awkward silences, especially when riding in a car for a long period of time. It is a 30 minute drive from Ryan's apartment (where I had stayed the previous night) to my mechanic, so I had to come up with some small talk in a hurry. Ironically enough, I hate small talk, so this was a bit of a task for me to accomplish. The following is the sequence of events that occurred while I was in the truck...
After making small talk for about 5 minutes, the driver went on a rant against his former employer, talking about how much he hated the dispatchers and how they always screwed him over on calls. After getting by that, he asked me what I do for a living, so I told him that I am a student and that I work in Rexdale in the summer running a drop-in sports camp for the youth in the area. This answer brought out three especially amusing anecdotes from the driver.
The first of these was in response to me being a student. His exact response was, "Wow, staying in school really is the way to go. I wish I was that smart when I was your age, I would have gone to school for sure." You would have gone to school for sure? School is the smart thing to do? If you're just realizing this now, then you might want to re-organize your priorities in life. I know that on my priority list, "driving a tow truck" falls several spots below "getting an education", "graduating", "getting married", "raising a family", and "washing my hands after using the bathroom". I don't think it takes an intellectually advanced person to realize that a post-secondary education is something that will only benefit you in life.
Next, he elaborated on employment. As if wanting to impress me and prove to me that he was something much more important than a tow truck driver, he revealed a second career that he carried. Not only is this man the most celebrated tow truck driver to ever grace the Earth, he also dabbles in illegal movie duplication. He spent ten minutes of our ride elaborating on the ins and outs of his operation, telling me exactly what system he has, how he breaks the encryption, etc. He told me that he has over 1000 movies in DVD quality, and that he just rents them, duplicates them, prints out the labels, and sells them for 5-10 bucks a pop. I don't know about you, but if I'm him, I don't reveal this kind of detailed information to someone who I've just met and will never see again. All it would take would be for me to get out of the truck after he drops my car off, watch him drive away, whip out my cell phone and dial 1-800-222-TIPS and have a little talk with Crimestoppers. If I do that, a couple hours later, and with me being 100 bucks richer (or whatever they give for tips that lead to an arrest), Chris London of CAA is behind bars and I'm blowing my newfound wealth paying for my new ignition lock in my car.
Lastly, we somehow ended up on the topic of gun violence and teen violence. I think we managed to get onto that topic because of where I work (Rexdale) and the amount of shootings that have occurred in the last month in that area. He went on a soliloquy about how youth these days are so out of control, and they don't know how to take care of themselves and so on and so forth. Then, he revealed to me that he almost ruined his life when he was 18 because he almost made a "small mistake". Before I proceed, let me re-iterate that his exact words were "SMALL MISTAKE". Being curious, I naturally pressed for more information on the topic. Obviously wanting to tell his story, he proceeded. He revealed to me that he used to be a hardcore partier in high school, and that when he was 18, he decided to throw a party in his backyard one night while his parents were away. After drinking too much, he got a little irritated, and decided to go in the house to retrieve his sawed-off shotgun, at which point he tried to shoot three people. Luckily, he missed and was only charged with discharging a weapon in an enclosed area, or something of that nature. That's not exactly my definition of a small mistake! Needless to say, the ride was nearing its end and I was definitely not feeling compelled to stay around and chat more with Chris "the Pyscho" London.
As soon as we pulled into my mechanic's driveway, I was out of that truck faster than a bat out of hell. Needless to say, the next time my car breaks down, I'm holding out for a clean cut, nicely dressed tow truck driver. Either that, or I'll just abandon the car.
Analyze THIS
In my boredom at work - and through the help of one
Stephanie Haggarty - I've discovered the wonderful world of the
Face Analyzer. This so-called Face Analyzer can allegedly take a photo that is submitted by the user and analyze that photo and determine what gender and race you are, as well as give you certain insights about your character, such as your ambition, intelligence, honor, promiscuity, and even what your income is. All of this information can be given to you based on a single profile photo in which the only requirement is that it is a front shot of just your face and shoulders. There's a great message for kids... On one hand you've got your parents, teachers, and even those motivational speakers tell you that you can't judge others on what's outside and it's what's on the inside that counts while Face Analyzer disregards all such inner beauty and assigns you a set of ratings based solely on a picture of your face!
Not only does Face Analyzer claim to be able to give you a characteristic profile based on one picture of you, they claim to have a technology that backs up their claims. They also have access to the most recent developments in the field of evolutionary psychology which evidently makes them able to provide you with a patented process that correlates facial characteristics to personality traits. Not only does this claim render your B.A. in Psychology obsolete, it also tells you that something like the size of your nose or the shape of your jaw either dictates - or is dictated by - your personality type.
Here is a step by step rundown of the process that Face Analyzer uses (taken directly from their website) interspersed with my own commentary and observations.
1)
Your picture is sent to our facial recognition engine.OK, so one would figure this is a pretty basic step in the process. Even skeptics of this Face Analyzer gig would acknowledge that its probably pretty likely that software and a set of algorithms could determine the sex and race of the individual who uploads the photo. It would appear that it is safe to say that this section of the process is the least likely to break down. WRONG! They can't even get past this part of the process. I sent my picture in for analysis, and this was the result of step #1:
Now I don't know about you, but I don't need a facial recognition software to tell me that the person in that picture is a caucasian male. However, it would appear that Face Analyzer does not reach the same deduction as the human eye. According to this software, my racial breakdown is 77% South East Asian and 23% Chinese. Not only is my face paler than a sheet, but ironically enough, the picture does contain a certain hooded sweatshirt that has "CANADA" emblazoned across it in large block letters. But who would expect that to be factored into the "complex" algorithms of a super computer?
One amusing feature of this service is that it provides you with a celebrity match, or look-alike based on the "expert" analysis. I was intrigued to see which celebrity I would be likened to, and was extremely surprised to find that these complex algorithms determined that the celebrity that I look most like is none other than...
MIKE TYSON!!!2)
The world's most accurate facial recognition software determines the placement of major facial characteristics (e.g. nose)The world's most accurate facial recognition software?? That must be a joke, considering this caucasian male was just likened to a psychotic black man with a hideous tattoo placed strategically around his eye. I'm willing to overlook the fact that my celebrity lookalike is a convicted felon who has a taste for earlobe.
I also find some humor in the boasting nature behind this statement that celebrates the fact that it can determine the placement of major facial characteristics. THIS JUST IN... a 4 year old can tell you the placement of such characteristics thanks to miraculous advancements in kindergarten education. Just to clarify, eyes come in pairs, and are situated at the upper area of the face, evenly spaced... The mouth is located near the base, and the nose, which is the prized example of the aforementioned statement is located in between the eyes and the mouth, right in the middle of the face. If you need facial recognition software to tell you that kind of information, then you might want to re-evaluate your education.
3)
The measurements of these major characteristics are then inputted into the Faceanalyzer algorithms.I think that this statement has been rendered irrelevant at this point. We've already seen the much acclaimed FaceAnalyzer algorithms in action, and let's face it, they are nothing to boast about. I also find it hard to believe that the measurements of these characteristics can give insight into my income, but I digress... The only thing left at this point is to see the fruits of the algorithms' labor.
4)
Your statistics are sent back to the page for you to view!Lastly, and certainly not least, the results of Face Analyzer's analysis and their accompanying comments:
Intelligence -- 5.1 ---------->
Average IntelligenceRisk -- 5.5 ---------->
Average RiskAmbition -- 6.0 ---------->
Average AmbitionGay Factor -- 1.1 ---------->
Very Low Gay FactorHonor -- 4.3 ---------->
Average HonorPoliteness -- 5.7 ---------->
Average PolitenessIncome -- 5.7 ---------->
$30,000 - $50,000Sociability -- 5.8 ---------->
Average SociabilityPromiscuity -- 4.1 ---------->
Low PromiscuitySo apparently, I'm average in every sense of the word. They were right on two counts, at least, I'm not gay nor am I anywhere close to being gay, and I'm not promiscuous at all. It's also great to know that my future income is limited to no higher than $50,000. Hell, since face analyzer is obviously so advanced, it must know more than I do, and that means I might as well forget about aspirations of management.
Not that I think I'm simply average in some of the characteristics that were listed there, but it's pretty safe to say that you could peg a large number of the population accurately by stating that they are average. I don't need complex algorithms and a super computer to tell me that much. The Face Analyzer is a ridiculous concept that provides amusement and is at best, a unique way to kill time. So, if you're bored one day and feel the need for some useless entertainment, send your photo in to Face Analyzer.com and their boasted 87% accuracy rate! If you can't spare the time, just take a quick glance in the mirror or ask a friend, because I'm sure they could surpass 87% accuracy without a second thought.
